Well, I done fucked up again. And this time, I'm not the one paying, unfortunately.
I will answer the question before you even ask it.
Q: "It's a
fish, why are you getting so worked up over a
fucking fish, anyway?"
A: I took him on as my responsibility 5 and a half years ago. He was my little fish buddy. He had a smiley face in the spot pattern on his stomach. He made me happy. And he died because I was so
goddamn lazy, he wound up being neglected and starved to death, and I had to do the humane thing and euthanize him with clove oil and vodka.
And? That method? Is not nearly as peaceful when it's an 11" fish covered in spines trying to not go gentle into that good night. It was thrashy and horrible and I had to fight to keep myself from scooping him back up and throwing him back into the tank. He had so much fight left in him... he fought so hard... I looked online and could not find any information about saving one once it had started starving... I held him in one hand and floated flakes into his mouth with the other and encouraged him when he sucked them in and his bony parts were so scraped looking ... he was so starved and in pain and it was my fault and I'm crying again shit shit fuck fuck fuck.
After he stopped thrashing, I told him I was so, so, very sorry and that I would hate me also, for doing this to him. I killed him slowly by starving him; I was now killing him quickly to make him feel better.
Punk was my leopard pleco. I only have three goldfish in my tank now, two of which were Juno's, one of which is the last of my original setup from five years ago (common mistake, apparently, putting big piggy ammonia-producing cold water fish who could live in nuclear waste in with little delicate fish who like it warm and the pH and whatnot just so).
Euthanizing him seemed like the right thing to do. I'm sorry if you disagree with me. I'm sorry, period. I let my little fish buddy down.
After I got done sitting on the floor in front of the fish tank crying so hard I almost puked, I tried to pull it together and think about what I could learn from this.
I had to kill him to stop his pain, which was MY fault.
Why was it my fault? Because I was lazy. I was too lazy to set the thermostat properly, because, hey, I'm doing things the way I've been doing them for the last 5.5 years, and everything is ok, right? I was too lazy to give him the correct food/extra food to make up for the additional piggy fish I put in his tank a few months ago, so nothing sinks to the bottom, or what does, he didn't get enough of. Algae wafers? Why does he need these? Goldfish flakes have been good enough for him for the last 3 years.
I've been so busy with school and sitting on my ass doing nothing of importance, I hadn't even noticed he hadn't been hanging around on the walls of the tank.
I then realized that being lazy was the root of all my problems. I just don't work hard enough. I figure "good enough for now" is, good enough.
"Good enough for now" is why I haven't made more progress in weight loss. It's why there is usually a pile of laundry on the bathroom/bedroom/basement floor (or all 3, if I'm really being a douchebag about things). It's why I constantly feel behind at school and why I'm not pulling as good of grades as I should, and why I'm enjoying torturing myself by telling me I'm going to fail this semester and won't be able to graduate until December 09, instead of 6.5 months from now. It's why I don't visit my family as often as I should, and why I rarely go out to meet with friends anymore. We talk on the phone or online and we all know how we feel about each other, and that should be "good enough for now".
"Good enough for now" is why my pet suffered and had to be euthanized.
Maybe I should stop with the head games and trying to guilt myself into doing the bare minimum so I can get by and call it "done!", and actually DO what I am capable of, instead of being lazy.
I buried Punk in the front circle, under some of those groundspready flower things that I'm too upset to remember the name of now, right above the vaguely heart-shaped border rock.
I'm angry and sad and disappointed in myself. I don't know what else to say, except I think I've finally had the "I get it" moment I've been looking for my entire life.