Today was the 2nd anniversary of his death, and she stated, "I don't know how I'm going to get through the next 50 years without him."
Well, fuck me. I've made it through 38 years without anyone, and I'll probably have another 38 more of this same shit different day existence. Wake up alone, go to bed alone. If it's not a workday, speak to maybe a family member on the phone or a mumbled pleasantry to the cashier at the end of the grocery line.
I don't know how I'm going to do it either. I just do it. And I'm angry and resentful and I cry
I really wanted to tell her, "Be glad you had someone to call yours and yours alone, even if it was for a few short years. It's better than a lifetime of feeling you were never good enough*, that something about you was fundamentally broken or flawed and no one will tell you what it is." But that would make me an insensitive jerk and bad friend.
So I keep moving forward, until that option is taken away from me. I just hope I don't have to wait another 38 years.
(*never good enough includes being being passed over for a woman 15 years my senior with 2 kids, and a woman who wound up dying from a drug problem. What on EARTH is wrong with me that either of those options seemed more appealing to the guys I was interested in at the time? Fuck.)
5 comments:
Okay.. I'm 10 years your senior.. and I know exactly how you feel.. seriously.. just don't make the mistake I did which was get conned by a man when I was 39.. tick tick.. I suppose I wanted to be conned.. tick tick.. I mean.. I'm successful in every other aspect of my life but the very fundamental thing that has kept the world going for thousands of years.. but my time was running out.. so I got married.. lost $60,000 over two years on bills my ex ran up without my knowledge.. found him in my bed with an 18 year old.. divorced him and had to pay alimony.. so trust me.. I have been where you are and you do not want to be where I've been!
Anyway, I know it doesn't feel like it.. but there really is something worse than being single.. and that would be being married to someone you shouldn't be.. eewwww.. it's a living hell..
Having said that.. I'm now divorced and 48.. and there are so many things I want to do that really do require two people to be successful.. ugh.. drives me nuts!
So, there is nothing wrong with you.. it's them.. I know I know.. trite.. but true.. I mean, do you really want to be with someone that for some bizarre reason would rather be with a chick on drugs? seriously? sounds to me like they wanted someone to be dependent on them.. to rescue someone.. and I don't know you that well (clearly) but ... uhhhh.. from your blogs I'd say you don't seem like you need rescuing - nor would you appreciate it!
Thank you for being so open and sharing your story with me, Annie. And I totally agree with you on, "I know it doesn't feel like it.. but there really is something worse than being single."
That also happens to be why I gave up on dating. It's better to be alone.
Forgot to add some days I would appreciate a good solid rescue, a "let someone else handle it" thing. And thank you again for the compliment. I pride myself on being resourceful and able to handle whatever is thrown at me. I just have my moments sometimes.
You should comment more; you have interesting things to say and you say them well.
Al
I know I'm "late" but I just discovered your blog, so... I'm going to comment anyway, heeheehee.
I love what Annie said: "...there really is something worse than being single.. and that would be being married to someone you shouldn't be..." I love it because it is SO true and I have to remind myself that. It's not about saying that I'm married or that I have a ring, but about be happy with whatever situation I'm in. And why should I be unhappy with a bad husband just so I can say I'm married ??
I tell my Mom all the time that I would be married if I wanted to (and it's true) because getting married is super easy. Finding the right partner is the difficult. STAYING married and having a good marriage is whoooole other piece of work in itself.
I do understand the feeling though.
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